Scavenging my memory for the inciting event to this sudden flashback, I draw a blank. Threats of an angry God posed to strike me blur my mental vision. One sinful entertaining thought, and I shall be cast into the pit of hell. Emotionally cowering to religious dogma is my weakness, my persistent flaw. My reactions to the present are tainted by those flashbacks of the past. What is your quarrel with God?
As a child, I was pre-programmed to become a submissive pastor’s wife, the epitome of femininity. Any deviation from that plan constituted rebellion. For 2 full decades, I subscribed to this lifestyle, while ignoring questions regarding its validity. A clarifying shift in mindset occurred while dating the preacher-man I was to marry. Probing questions permeated our conversations. Searching the intimate lives of our leaders, we craved freedom masked by facades. In our efforts, I found the disappointing truth in our cult. Realization struck forcefully like a battering ram against the doorway of my paradigm. Our mutual discovery led to the disintegration of our multi-year romance. My beau chose loyalty to his warped belief system, in trade for security. On the other hand, I chose dissidence, a castaway from the Faith.
Agnostics and atheists are often discarded religious bastards, spawned by twisted doctrine. I can wholeheartedly attest to this assumption through my unfolding journey to the outer limits of agnosticism. My quarrel with God unraveled through countless roundtable arguments amongst my soul, my spirit, my beliefs, and my reason. Angered by the deception of my misunderstanding leaders, bitterness engulfed my serenity. Flashbacks to mistreatment played through my mind like a cackling witch with wand poised to spellbind her victim. Mental abuse imposed by those spiritualists cloaked itself beneath passages of biblical scripture. Heretical childhood doctrines skewed my very belief in a God.
Whether we believe God to possess esoteric qualities or human characteristics, each of us believes in some higher power. Sects reject this proposition with blatant animosity, stating that humans reign supreme. Nothing exists beyond that of the mortal mind. Others cling sadistically to religious interpretations of ancient documents, proposing the Truth as clearly evident. Subjecting themselves to observe laws from past millennia, their modern lives transport onlookers to historical eras. Subconsciously, the human species exhibits a longing for Someone or Something greater than itself.
Longing for unconditional love, my gaze turned from the spiritual Giver to the physical ravisher. Spiritual love was only a pastors’ gimmick to lure parishioners into a religious caste system. My spiritual tendencies could not be trusted, though I had always possessed an uncanny connection to the psychic realm. Haunted by the replays of traumatic events in my history, I sought the cure for my tortured wits. Flashbacks. Dogma. Truth. Heresy. Freedom. These elements combined in a delirious potion to heal my hurts and guide my path.
Have you experienced flashbacks from your childhood? How have they affected your present reality? Do they sabotage your dreams? If you have a story to tell, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.